23 Sep 2024

I remember, as a kid, taking "Moral Studies" in school. It was a boring subject, partly because I didn't really understand what it was about. All I recall are a bunch of rules and guidelines that we were supposed to follow, presumably because they make us better people. Of course, it never occurred to me to ask why we should be good in the first place, or what "good" even meant. It didn't matter to me. I followed the rules, or at least I tried to. Not because I believed in them, but to avoid getting into trouble, and to earn praise from the adults around me. Also, so that I could get the A that I wanted.

Perhaps this is what morality is all about? A set of rules that we follow so that we can feel better about ourselves. Selfishness masquerading as morality. Perhaps the reason we become good people is because it makes us look good and trustworthy in the eyes of others. It's not so much about principles but appearances. We engage is selfless acts to satisfy our selfish desires for approval and recognition. There's no real moral reason to be good, only a practical one.

How much of this contributed to my occasional periods of moral confusion, I can't say. But these days, as I read more about philosophy and ethics, I can't help but wonder if the periods of depression and anxiety in my early twenties were in part due to a lack of moral clarity. Perhaps my previous struggles with meaning and purpose were due to the absence of a clear moral compass. Perhaps. I can't say for sure. But these days, I find a lot of meaning and fulfillment in trying to be a better person.

I like the idea of trying to be good in a universe that is fundamentally indifferent to my existence. It's like I'm participating in a grand cosmic joke. We can't see it, but I like to think that Sisyphus, as he pushes his rock uphill, is smiling. Maybe he thinks it's funny too.

Not to say that I am doing a particular good job at it (how do you tell, anyway?). And I don't even know if I am doing it correctly. One of the key tenets of being good is to be selfless, but if the reason I try to be good is because it brings me fulfillment and makes me feel better about myself, isn't that just another form of selfishness?

Also, sometimes I find myself doing things that I know are wrong. My justification is that, well, at least I know I'm breaking the rule, so I'm not completely ignorant. I know what it's like to be good, and in this particular instance, I'm choosing not to.

Even though reading about ethics and philosophy hasn't given me clear answers to why we should be good, or what "good" even means, it has helped me better understand the problem. And that, I think, is the real treasure here. Knowing that I am not alone in my moral confusion, and that some of the greatest thinkers in history have grappled with the same questions without finding a clear consensus. It's very comforting. If these brilliant minds haven't found the answers, then perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself for not knowing.