31 Dec 2024
The calendar year is about to roll over in some three hours, which I guess is as good a time as any to write a bit about how I feel about 2024. Actually, I will go out of bounds for a bit and write about the past few years or so, because, looking back, they all seem to blend together into one big blur. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's still too early to make sense of it all. Snowflakes take time to settle and crystallize, and I guess the same can be said about memories of past events. But surely there's no harm in trying to peek behind the curtain.
I've always been obsessed with figuring out what to do. And I don't think I really noticed this about myself until around two years ago when life as a whole started to feel dreadful. I don't know if that's the right word. Maybe depressing is a bit more fitting, or empty, or meaningless. All this sounds a bit absurd, and I say that because, it's not like I was in a terribly bad place. I had a job that pays somewhat well—at the very least enough to keep me fed and sheltered, with spare change to spend on some non-essentials. I enjoyed my work, minus the occasional bouts of stress and frustration, which, let's face it, is part and parcel of any job. I had friends that I could hang out with. I had a hobby that I could pour my heart and soul into—reading and writing, in case anyone is wondering. How could I possibly feel the way that I did when I had all these things going for me?
Today, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that I was in some kind of a rut. I am able to see that, despite all the things I had going for me, I still felt that something was missing. There's some kind of void that I was trying to fill, which explains why I was always on the lookout for some next big thing to do. I don't know where this void or this yearning to fill it came from. Maybe it's just a part of being human. Or maybe I'm just an ungrateful bastard who can't appreciate what he has. Or maybe part of being human is being an ungrateful bastard who can't appreciate what he has. I don't know which one it is, but what I do know is that the dread that accompanied me those past two years was real. They were feelings which I genuinely felt came from deep within—that infinite, impenetrable abyss that is the human soul. Or spirit. Or whatever you want to call it.
What did it feel like to stare into that abyss? I don't think I can do it enough justice with word. But it felt apathetic. Lethargic. Like I was being dragged along by some invisible force, and no matter how hard I tried to muster up the strength to go with the flow, I just couldn't. Like Sisyphus, but stuck at the bottom of the hill. And perhaps the reason I wasn't able to get up and push that damn boulder was that, even if I did, I knew it would just roll back down again. What's the point? Why bother? The abyss would always be there. We can conjure up all the divine images and the celestial metaphors that we want to convince ourselves otherwise, but, deep down, it's always there. You know it's there.
Despite all this, Sisyphus did manage to push that boulder up the hill. And he did it again and again and again, with a smile on his face. And maybe this is the golden nugget of wisdom to be extracted from his story. What's the point? There's no point. Push that damn boulder, because you can. And, this is the crucial point, do not ever forget, or deny, or ignore, or overlook, or shroud over, the fact that there is no point to it all. It is true that the abyss is always there, and, the very least we can do is acknowledge its existence, and go from there.
I think this is what I've been trying to get at those few months after I felt that initial dread. But it wasn't an immediate conscious realization, akin to some kind of epiphany or divine revelation that struck me like a bolt of lightning. No. The dread was still there in those following months, and I still found myself struggling to muster up the strength to push through it. But I think, in some way, I was beginning to understand that the abyss was there, and that, although it was there, I could still go about my business and do what I had to do. Certain things, the important things in life, I should add, take time to settle and crystallize. And although I did not know it at the time, did not know what it was that was crystallizing, I was slowly but surely making my way towards that realization. I did not know where it was that I was heading, but I could feel movement. Like a ship finally in tune with the wind and the waves. Perhaps this is what faith is about. Not faith in some higher power or some divine being, but faith in things settling and crystallizing, in movement towards God-knows-where.
Fast forward to 2024, and I can say that I am in a much better place than I was two years ago. I still feel the occasional dread, but they are rare. And they go away as quickly as they come. On a more practical note, I quit my previous job four months ago, and I haven't found a new one yet. People have been asking me what I am going to do next, and, to be honest, I don't really have a clear answer. The standard response is that I am taking a break to figure some things out. And the conversation usually ends there. I don't know if they think I'm being vague or if they think I'm being pretentious. Maybe I just don't want to admit that I don't have a plan. But it's nice to have some time to myself.
And I do have some ideas. Not in terms of a job, or some grand career plan, but in terms of the little things that I want to do. You know, those small things that you build up over time, whose significance becomes apparent only in retrospect, once they've become a part of your daily routine. I've been reading a lot more, for one. Some books that stood out are:
I look forward to reading more in the coming year. Some books that I want to read (or reread) off the top of my head are:
It's a big list, but I look forward to chipping away at it. Also, on the physical health front, I've been trying to get into weightlifting. I've been going to the gym consistently for the past three months, which is surprising, considering how I've never been able to stick to a workout routine for any extended period of time. I managed to make some progress, but I hit some kind of plateau over the past three weeks or so. I'm not sure what's causing it. I think I'm just not eating enough. I also picked up badminton. I enjoy it a lot, and I think it's a good way to get some cardio in. It's also good excuse to hang out with my friends.